Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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