Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
