Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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