got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
