Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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