Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
