This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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