Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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