If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
