In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
