Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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