so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
