I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I pour the whiskey from now on
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
