party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize