I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
