Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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