I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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