My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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