My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize