Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
