i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
