apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Randomize
