Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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