I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
