I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
