Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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