Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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