Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
