Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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