So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I want to fling myself into the sun
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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