gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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