she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
