I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
