my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
