Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
