I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
