Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
