Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
