My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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