Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize