We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
