Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
