Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
