I faked an abortion last night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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