Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
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