My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
