go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
