I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
