Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
