bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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