She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
