i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
