Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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