YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
