I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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