She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
