Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
