my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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