Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
