Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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