Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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