my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it's like iHOP with fire
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
