Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
