My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
