Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
