i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
