his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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