To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
