Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
