3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate your face
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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