Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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