Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
