He told me they were just razor bumps!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
